PTSD

I recently came across an amazing  band called The Wonder Years. I have heard of them before but never really payed attention to their music until i heard Passing Through A Screen Door. It's off their new album The Greatest Generation and it really got to me. I was intrigued by the riff and vocals and thought i hear it. At around :15 i heard the lyrics

"And They keep asking me what i'm doing with my life

While my cousins go to bed with their wives

I'm feeling like I've fallen behind."

I paused it and thought "Wait, what?" I replayed it again and again, it was so relateable. In my head i changed it to "well, my cousins have their kids and are wives/It's obvious that I've fallen behind.  

  

 I come from a culture where women marry and give birth young. My grandmother gave birth to her first child at the age of 16. In my neighborhood, It's normal to get pregnant at 15 or 14. School? Who needs it?! Now your purpose in life is to be a mother, wife and go to work. Yes, I do have cousins who had kids before marriage. But i also have cousins who got married "right" (virgin) and had kids. My older sister had the honor to get married right, but she got married around my age. I'm 21, I don't have kids and I'm not married. I have dated a couple of times, but i never took my "date" to my family and said "hey, I'm dating this guy, he might be my boyfriend".Thus, I'm pretty sure my family thinks I'm a lesbian. If not that, I'm still  an oddity. Don't get me wrong, boys are awesome but i just focused on my studies. I'd love a husband and kids in the future but i feel i have to do things for myself first. Strangers, family friends, friends, neighbors they all wonder and ask what I'm doing with my life. To them, a university doesn't mean shit to them. Life is settling down and having a family. I have no life.

Whew! I'll move on :36-:53 

"I was born to run away from anything good

Escape Artist son, Sun dried pavement in my blood

The first thing that i do when i walk in

Is plan a way out for when shit gets bad" 

I tend to be a bit pessimistic on alot of things. I find it hard to believe everything is going the way it's suppose to. If someone is nice to me, i find it really strange. Good is just really hard to grasp for some reason. I have a habit of worrying about everything.In college, I went to therapy for a bit cus i could not handle these panic/anxiety attacks.Therapist told me i have symptoms for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and/or Post Dramatic Stress Disorder. He set up a sessions elsewhere to get tested. I never went. What if i do have it? Hell, what if i have both?!? I honestly don't want to know.I do seem to always plan ahead, it annoys many. If class or a movie starts at 5pm, I'll get there at 3:30pm somehow because i have a fear of being late."If this doesn't work out, how do i get out of it?! Should I even attempt it?! Nah, I shouldn't...." I seem to always have the Jaws themes song in my head on alot of things.

Okay, now 1:20-1:36 

"Well, I'm terrified like a kid in the 60's 

Staring at the sky, waiting for th bomb to fall 

It's all a lie What they say about stability 

It scares me sometimes,  The emptyness in my eyes" 

Again, I'm terrified of alot of things. I'm constantly thinking "somethings gonna go wrong". It's like I'm waiting for it to happen.Stability also scares me because i always wonder if i'll ever achieve it.People my age have a family and they still live with their parents. My sister constantly has money problems.My brother hardly works and just got evicted from his apartment, he goes back and forth to friends houses. I don't want to end up that way. My eyes have bags under them and sometimes i can't stand seeing them, they look lifeless. 

1:38-1:52

 "And all the kids name i ever liked 

Are tied to tragedy 

I don't want my children growing up to be 

Anything like me"   

At this point, I'm crying. I pry and hope that my kids don't turn out like me. I hope they never have a mean teacher, i hope they never get bullied. I pry they never have to deal with panic attacks or feeling worthless. I hope they don't go biking all night in a dangerous neighborhood. I hope they're outgoing, have alot of friends and are in sports.I don't want them to be like me at all. I'm not the type of person that has a list of kids name ready, but i remembered i did really like Dante ( I kid you not!)

2:26-2:41 

"I keep a flashlight and a small knife 

In the corner of my bedstand 

I keep a flashlight and the train times

You wouldn't understand

How can you understand?"

Funny, I actually had to get a flashlight for astronomy.Before that though, I had math class at night. It was pretty scary, alot of the times people on the bus would say obscene things. I had to get off on the stop with the tunnel to get home. The tunnel was dark enough for someone to get away with mugging or worse. I would wait until a car went through it, the headlights guided me and i ran through it. I don't rely on train times but bus times. Alot of the times, i take the bus for no reason. Of course nobody would understand because everyone has a car.

2:44-3:03

"Jesus Christ! I'm 26!

All the people I graduated with 

All have kids! All have wives!

All have people who care if they come home at night 

Well, Jesus Christ! Did I fuck up?!?! 

Crying continues. I think this is more self explanatory. I'm 21 and yes people i know are already married and have kids.They have a family that worry about them. I ask myself  that last line a little too much....

3:05 - 

I've been looking for tears in the screen door 

I've been waiting for another disaster 

I was kinda hoping you stayed 

I was kinda hoping you stayed. 

It's really hard to be with someone that's anxious. If you notice Passing Through The Screen Door and Post Tramatic Stress Disorder have the same initials. I'm not sure i that was on purpose or not. I hope the people i hang out with bear with me.